Driving Impairs Cell Phonies

Studies conducted by psychologists at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign prove that driving is hazardous to cell phone use. Psychologist Gary Dell found that both old and young drivers were unable to correctly retell stories heard by cell while driving. Volunteers were also unable to recall much of what they heard afterwards. As expected, drivers were erratic and error-prone during the phone calls and when they retold the stories. But most surprising was the observation that the act of driving prevented quality cell time. No volunteers or researchers were harmed in the course of the studies.

Dell and his colleagues only published their results a few weeks ago, and already the business community has noticed.

“By now everybody knows that using a cell phone while driving is a distraction,” said Boxanne Wauzer, Bank of Waldo media representative. “We figured we were covered by requiring auto, health and life insurance. So far, all the reported accidents have been dealt with by insurance or aggressive legal action. What really floored us was when we learned that cell phone conversations were being adversely affected by driving. I mean, that impacts our business!

“From this point on, all BOW employees will be required to employ chauffeurs when having cell phone conversations during travel. They are expected to give their full attention to the conversation so they can really stick it to the customers.”

The sister company, accounting giant Waldo Ober Waldo, is reportedly close to implementing a similar policy. If the rumor is true, then BOW-WOW will be the first of the financial big dogs to mandate the use of luxury transportation.

When asked how this policy would affect their public image, Wauzer shrugged. “We have never been concerned by what the peons think of us,” she said. Then she pulled out her crackin' berry, stepped into the vintage Silver Ghost Rolls Royce standing at the curb, and disappeared in a cloud of blue smoke.

Red Doge - Would I lie to you?