Sudden Acceleration Hits Joggers

The shoe manufacturer that stopped using its name, and is now know by a checkmark symbol, has issued a recall of the majority of its running shoes and cross-trainers for sudden acceleration. An alarming number of joggers have experienced a sudden acceleration resulting in loss of control and painful crashes.

“I had just crested a hill when I suddenly accelerated,” said Bob Newell of Dayton, Ohio. “It felt like I had no control over my feet. They just kept going faster and faster. Finally, I just dove off the walking path onto the grass and rolled. I stopped in those bushes over there and I was really scraped up. I was so rattled by the experience, I took off my shoes and walked home. I haven’t put those shoes on since.”

A “checkmark” spokesman said the company has investigated the matter thoroughly. The company is blaming an unscrupulous Chinese supplier for filling the air-spring insoles with excessively springy air. Consequently, the shoes amplify each impact and propel the wearer forward at ever increasing speeds.

All affected shoes are being recalled for repairs by the dealers. A certified polymer specialist will extract the springy air and dispose of it in a secure fashion. A special, multi-way valve will be fitted to the extraction hole. The valve will ensure that only ordinary air will fill the insole. It will also allow some air to escape with each impact. A side benefit of this repair is increased cushioning for the wearer.

Joggers who tried out the prototype repairs said the shoes were definitely squishier. No sudden acceleration was reported by any of the testers. Most reported sounds coming from the shoes with each footfall. The sounds ranged from a high-pitched tweet reminiscent of the Cap’n Crunch whistle, to a medium pitch raspberry.

On the regulatory front, the office of Runaway Footwear in the Department of Transportation is following the developments closely. Deputy investigator Al Soran said the office has received at least eighty complaints. They have also received nineteen pairs of running shoes that purportedly exhibit the sudden acceleration problem.

“We keep ‘em in a storage closet that we cleared out just for that purpose,” Al said. “There’s two activated charcoal air purifiers runnin’ full time in there. Before that, those shoes was kinda stinkin’ up the office.” Investigator Soran went on to say that two interns were ordered to try out each pair of shoes and document any observations of acceleration, sudden or gradual. So far, no progress has been made on the investigation because both interns have called in sick every day since the task was assigned, two weeks ago.

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